The problems of repeated marriages are very different from the difficulties that await the newlyweds in their first ever honeymoon.
Let’s look at the most common case in our country: a woman gets married for the second time, but she already has a child (and perhaps not one) from her first marriage.
Even before deciding on cohabitation, it is worth considering several factors.
Native children are a hindrance?
Typically, the relationship of adults develops as follows: mother takes the child to a grandmother or a nanny and quietly spends time with her lover.
Sometimes there are joint walks together threesome, but this is a small percentage of the entire time of visits.
After the three are in the same territory, the accents can significantly shift.
And especially attentive it is necessary to be in case if the elect did not have their children and the corresponding experience behind their shoulders.
A man does not always realize that, for example, sex will now only after the baby falls asleep (and this can sometimes take a lot of time and mother’s nerves), and all the rest of the time the kid will move freely around the apartment and pop his curious Nose in all matters, becoming adults.
Now to stay alone with his thoughts, “Uncle Sasha” will be able to only in the bathroom – and there is no guarantee that his wife’s son will not break there with cries of “Uncle Sasha, you promised to show me how to build a tractor from cubes!”
In many ways, the chosen one will have to change his habits, and it is better for a woman not to mislead him about it.
It is unlikely that he will be able to leave anywhere else his laptop – a valuable thing can be rendered or broken, and if the child is older, he simply curious what is inside. And even if he does not break anything, it’s not so easy to immediately accustom him to the idea that there are things in the house that can not be touched at all.
After all, my mother’s things belong to a slightly different category: there are, of course, those that should not be taken, but my mother will still forgive, if that. Or remove it so that you can not get it.
Another thing – the “new dad”. He may not understand. And no matter how he loved his wife, if a person has a bachelor life behind him, it will be extremely difficult for him to get used to constant interference in his private space.
He will have to get used to hiding from the child something that does not tolerate the hands of others, and if he forgot to do it – do not be offended that his diary now has funny faces, and his newfangled leather gloves are an ornament for a teddy rabbit. A man will also have to think before hugging his wife in front of the child – the reaction can be different. From roar to attempt to “take a place” in these embraces.
To hide from the potential stepfather these details are not worth it. But I can not explain everything in words. Women, as a rule, use this strategy: first, “uncle” is just a friend, and then he “sharply” moves from friends to potential “dads” and literally in one day turns out to be living on the territory of the mother and child. This strategy, as a rule, is designed to “spare” the child. But really she does not spare anyone. And for a child, and for a man and a mother, such a sharp transition is certainly stress.
Can it be avoided?
Yes. Arrange a “test drive”. It can be a joint holiday at the cottage, a vacation, a regular three-day weekend with a stay in one territory.
Women often do not resort to this option, because they do not know how to explain to the child why the mother is now sleeping in the same bed with a “strange uncle”. But here it is necessary to choose the lesser of two evils: it will be much worse if, after such a sharp transition, a potential “dad” does not survive and escapes from the unexpectedness that has fallen on him, and the child will have time to seriously attach to him.
In the “test drive” mode, it’s better to paraphrase the child’s essence. For example: “Do you sometimes want to be alone with me? Here we are with Uncle Sasha too, because we are best friends. But you are already asleep at this time … ”
And what about the father?
On how the father relates to his child and the extent to which he makes decisions about the life of the offspring, the future of a second marriage also depends. The most difficult situation occurs when the father is actively involved in the life of the child. There are rare cases when two men – a former husband and the present – are able to agree and find a common language. So the woman will have to take on the role of mediator.
We need to help the new spouse reconcile with the fact that the child’s own father helps her baby, whether it’s financial investments or spending time with the child. At the same time, she should let the former husband know that the current husband also has the right to make decisions about a new family.
If this is not done, the new head of the family will inevitably be annoyed that most of the family decisions relating to the child and related financial policies in the family are decided by someone else.
And even if at first glance the man “does not care”, sooner or later he will think about his role in the family – who is he? A person responsible for all of its members, or simply a “legalized lover” of the mother?
If a man continues to turn a blind eye to the decisions made not by him, then this is an alarming symptom for a woman. Perhaps it’s just convenient for him at the moment this state of affairs. And when a man really grows up and wants to take on the role of defender and head, he will leave without regrets the “uncomfortable” family and create another. In which decisions will be made by him, his wife and no one else.
And I do not want to be a “training ground” for any woman.
And she either has to foresee conflicts of interest with the father of the child, trying to give his new husband some of the responsibility, or to be prepared for the fact that at the right moment he, corrupted by irresponsibility, can not become a real support for his wife.
When there is no soil for the conflict and the father is seldom shown on the horizon, a woman should let her husband know that the child also depends on his decisions, like her, and that the family is whole. To divide the relationship into “my relationship with the child” and “my relationship with my husband” is a futile business.
Relations with relatives
Now he has at least a mother-in-law, father-in-law, and, perhaps, sister-in-law and brother-in-law, as well as non-native nephews. How will they react to it? Here, a woman needs to keep her eye out, because even if she does not allow herself comparative excursions aside “but my ex …”, then there is no guarantee that relatives will not do this. And out loud. And men are very sensitive to such comparisons.
The situation is complicated by the fact that the entire related clan, including the child, remembers her first husband. And the child very often serves as a “small change” in such “games” of relatives – a grandmother sometimes can make him remember “and how was with Dad,” and then, at home, the child can continue this topic already with mom and her new husband . That the strengthening of the family world does not exactly serve.
At first, as long as life and relations are not yet settled, it is necessary to solve all problems only threesome. And only when everything enters a calm and steady track, a woman can be given access to a new family to her relatives.
Nobody says that they are necessarily bad and tactless, they are just a living reminder of the “former”. And at the beginning you do not need a reminder.
And the desire of a woman to demonstrate to the whole world that she is again happy and in demand, sometimes becomes a slow-motion mine under the newly acquired happiness.
Regarding the situation with repeated marriages, and solving psychological problems in such unions, I made only one conclusion: in any case, haste will not lead to good.
Sometimes it is more honest to remain lovers and friends, sometimes time and wisdom are needed.
Have patience – in this situation it is more than appropriate.