We are all created to learn how to make our lives better. Any science that studies a person, from physiology to psychoanalysis, confirms this.
Our brain is designed so that we avoid painful sensations, often without even noticing the ongoing process. An excellent illustration is a well-known phrase from the film “Gentlemen of Fortune”: “Do not go there, it will snow there in the head”.
So resources are released to dream, create and engage in other creativity, without being distracted by ensuring the elementary integrity of the limbs.
But in our internal structure there is also another notion of pain – pain is not physical, which we experience when we burn or fall, and pain is emotional, emotional.
This experience triggers the same mechanism: to avoid repetition.
And it is very useful when it comes to never again holding hands over a boiling pan.
But it can become a real obstacle on the way to a new relationship.
The older we become and the more traumatic relationships that have happened in the past – the more fears and doubts accompany each new acquaintance threatening to become a deep partnership or the so-called serious relationship.
Let’s talk about the most common of them.
Fear of being vulnerable
When we find ourselves in a new relationship – sooner or later, but we step over some facets and let the person into our space, reveal to him the innermost parts of his soul.
We do not know if the new man will justify our trust, and start the way to the unknown. Mutual relations with any new person is a contact of the worlds, like landing on an unexplored planet.
Such familiarity can lead to very different consequences and often requires sincerity and openness. When behind the shoulders there is a painful experience – it’s scary. A person in principle is prone to be wary of everything new.
When it comes to close relationships, the internal security system works in full force.
After all, letting oneself fall in love means, among other things, truly risking, trusting, becoming dependent in something – and this is very vulnerable.
We can not know for one hundred percent how a partner will dispose of this trust and the highest degree of insecurity.
Thus, a lot of not always justified checks and stages of recognition of a partner are born.
When faced with this fear, we make a choice: to step into the void, where we consciously choose to reopen and trust the man, or we leave ourselves stability and control over the situation.
Fear of facing your past
We always compare, no matter what the great gurus say about the unity of everything and everything, the non-priceness and other usefulness of enlightened life. As the practice of many psychologists shows, the next partner is selected in two main forms: either this is an improved version of the previous man, or his complete opposite.
It is quite easy to explain this phenomenon: these are the simplest ways to avoid the repetition of previous mistakes and failures.
In a new relationship, we are still trying to compare the current partner with the previous one anyway – and this is just an attempt to create a new, more positive experience.
If some moments from the past have not been experienced and there are old wounds – then the relationship with the new person will necessarily reveal these memories and gaps.
It also happens that the previous negative experience becomes that obstacle on the way to a new love. It is only necessary for the next man to show even the slightest signs of resemblance to the painful past – how instantly the decision is made to run away and not let these relations develop. So we, on the one hand, strive for love and intimacy, and on the other – very strongly associated love with a painful experience and all the strength we leave from the smallest reminders about it.
Sometimes it takes great courage and even the help of specialists to consciously meet with everything that has hitherto lurked in the depths of the subconscious – and let it all go, leaving behind. For some reason the world is so wisely arranged that new men come into our lives on some unknown paths and universal laws.
So it turns out that a new love happens not only to bring something new and joyful. And often, and for us to understand something important about our past, we could consciously live this important and consciously let this other person into our lives.
Fear of new pain and new loss
When we successfully passed the fear of rapprochement and were able to trust, it is time for new phobias. The deeper we are in the relationship, the stronger the memory of how painful it is to lose what is dear to you. We begin to appreciate the new things that have appeared in our life together with a man. And, mindful of the past, we meet with fear of loss. When life is full of love, new shades, traditions and colors, thoughts of loss can become literally obsessive and paralyzing.
This fear is very dangerous for the relationship and prevents us from living here and now, enjoying what is.
Trying to find a refutation of this phobia, we are increasingly provoking and testing a partner, we are involved in senseless scandals and quarrels with our man. Some particularly desperate young ladies simply break off relationships, unconsciously trying to protect themselves from possible pain.
Most often this inner worm is masked under completely logical claims and justified emotions – in this non-obviousness is its cunning. In fact, we are afraid of trust and the possible pain associated with it – and therefore we start looking for hundreds of reasons for breaking off the relationship or grounds for claims.
Any relationship is a conflict in a positive sense, as well as the opportunity to better know themselves and become a more harmonious person. Here we also make a choice: to be aware of our fears and to meet them, being honest with ourselves, or not. As we approach another person, it becomes more difficult to deceive ourselves and potentially more can be lost.
But this way we know ourselves and our partner, giving the chance of love to become stronger, and the relationship is fuller and better.
Fear of losing yourself
Any partnership is not only an alliance of two full-fledged people. “Meeting of the worlds”, the interaction of a man and a woman is still a constant change and personal growth.
Figures of life are not only two realized and full-fledged “I”: a new structure is born, called “We” with its laws, requirements and even limitations.
A woman by nature is certainly a more flexible being, and we are mostly ready to make serious compromises to ensure the stability of the union. Unfortunately, such compromises often result in a rejection of self-interest and total service to the interests of the man.
And if at least once we went through a similar story, love partly becomes connected in the mind with the possibility of getting lost in this feeling. To some extent, this fear is justified: entering into new relationships, we cease to be the same, we change – and a new woman is born.
It is important that this fuse, like all the previous ones, does not become an obsession or another story about a dependent relationship.
Fear of being yourself and making new mistakes
For some reason, the mature and useful position of responsibility for one’s life in Russian women is often distorted and becomes a banal self-flagellation. We very much like to analyze the past experience, find in it our mistakes and draw conclusions. But in some cases, we do not confine ourselves to one conclusion.
I met such young ladies who literally became overseers for themselves, cursing themselves for the slightest “blunders” like the careless laying on Saturday morning in the face of a man. If one of the parents or a former partner did not indulge us with his attention and love, then the fear of doing something wrong or turning out to be not quite perfect turns into another phobia.
The strong alarm that we can do something “wrong” does not allow us to let our feelings go free and allow ourselves to just be ourselves and enjoy life. Infinite feelings and feelings of guilt about how “right” we feel, act, look, show our feelings – do not give us the opportunity to really know who is next to us and, possibly, shows a sincere interest.
All this can prevent us from building relationships that will make us truly happy.
To cope with their fears, it is important first of all to realize them.
The second stage is the understanding and acceptance of the fact that life really resembles an unpredictable game in which anything can happen. Those who are near – at any time can leave, what is valuable – can be destroyed, as well as vice versa.
The only person who in reality always remains close is us. And again I repeat the same story: any partnership with another person begins with a partnership with yourself.
We can be true to ourselves, support ourselves – and in this fidelity and support find our internal resources. In addition, feeling its own value, we are able to convey it and get recognition of this value from others. It is worth noting that this value in its harmonious version stems simply from the fact that man exists and that he is unique.
Any achievements and regalia can not take away or humiliate this value. It is a pity that we often deny it in ourselves and can not see in another person.
And already this little skill is a significant help in the fight against fears and other obstacles on the way to a new and very happy relationship.