Is your marriage in question?
Can not imagine how to survive a divorce from your husband? You can be one of those who decides: “To leave or to stay?”.
“I feel that I really want to get a divorce and finish this farce called marriage. But I do not know if this is the right decision. Some days I feel confident in this, in others – confidence somewhere disappears. It seems that some part of me still loves him. Maybe you do not need to hurry with this? It’s funny, and I’ve been thinking about it for the third year already. I did not think about divorce, if only he changed his behavior. ”
Or you can be the one who has just learned about the desire of his spouse to divorce.
“Divorce? Where did it come from? We were only two weeks ago discussing the possibility of a vacation in the mountains. I had no idea that we have such serious problems. I’m in shock, Maybe it’s me dreaming, and when I wake up, everything will be as before? “.
Regardless of your role in making this decision, it will be very useful for you to learn about how to survive the divorce from your husband, if this step is inevitable.
Or maybe you are in too much of a hurry? Maybe not all is lost and you can save the marriage?
Theory of readiness for divorce
Most books and articles on divorces are based on the fact that both spouses want a divorce and are ready for it. In fact, when a divorce begins, one of them (and sometimes both) is not ready for it.
If a person has thoughts like “I’m single / single in marriage” or “My feelings already mean nothing to him”, this is an indicator of the end of marriage. But this is not so.
Most couples are not ready for this. If the couple is ready and makes a decision together, it helps to eliminate most of the emotional and financial problems that arise in divorce.
The reason why so little attention is paid to readiness for divorce is one of the main misconceptions. It sounds like this: “the sooner this stressful situation ends, the better.”
When it’s bad for us, what do we want? Of course, so that it quickly ended. We do not want to suffer. And this applies to both women and men. That is why we often make hasty decisions, the consequences of which are inevitable. All! The cups are beaten! And even if they glue, but they will never be new. The same happens during a period when the couple does not know how to survive the divorce.
In addition, how to survive the parting with your beloved, if you still have feelings?
Now you will learn how we will solve this issue finally.
After hundreds of hours of consultations, I highlighted three main dilemmas of the causes of divorce. They sound like this:
Three divorce dilemmas
I want a divorce, but I’m not sure of the correctness of this decision .
After all, it will affect children, the habitual way of life and material well-being. In addition, I doubt that I know how to survive the separation.
This decision is very serious. There are no guarantees that it is true. It is best to take it with a cold heart and a sober head.
I do not want to get divorced. This is what my husband wants. I do not know how to survive a divorce from my husband!
You can position yourself in the role of a victim of the circumstances and not recognize the obvious. Because of this, there is a strong emotional devastation, and life is changing right before your eyes, and you can not help it.
To solve this problem, you need to ask yourself, but do not you cling to a habitual way of life, for a relationship based on illusions. It is difficult to recognize this.
I want to divorce, because our marriage is just a formality, it does not work properly.
This point of view means that you blame all the troubles of your spouse, and he most likely you.
Understand one simple thing – in the problems of a pair of ALWAYS both partners are to blame. If you do not find out the real reason now and do not admit that everyone is guilty, then further steps will be filled with bitter problems, scandals and unnecessary quarrels. The common element of these three dilemmas is fear.
In the first case – the fear of making a mistake.
In the second – the fear of recognizing the presence of problems in the relationship and the need to survive the parting with the beloved.
In the third – the fear of taking part of the responsibility for the problems that have arisen.
Divorce must be a mutual and balanced decision. And the answers given to the next 8 simple questions will help. Are you ready to know EXACTLY, do you need a divorce or not? Then let’s go.
Eight Important Questions
1. Do you still have feelings for your husband?
Many who want to divorce, in fact, continue to feel feelings for a partner. The decision to divorce is taken because one of the partners wants to be the leader of the relationship. The consequence is little intimacy with the partner.
If this is your case, it is better to try to establish a relationship, rather than want to get a divorce.
You can use the experience of our reader, who did not succumb to emotions, but approached the problem comprehensively and saved the family. But she could have lost it.
Otherwise, all your thoughts will be occupied with how to survive the divorce from your beloved husband. Over time, there may be a sense of loss and emptiness, which will cause a strong emotional devastation.
In the end, it turns out that after the divorce you will become even worse than before. Think about it – do you want it?
2. Were you in a “marriage”?
To be in a real “marriage”, the couple must create a relationship in which they are a single whole, where there is “We”, not just “I”.
Many who decided to divorce, in fact, need only an excuse. After all, they were never really married. Just lived together, but at the same time everyone lived for themselves and did not think about their second half. If this is your situation, you can safely apply for a divorce.
But if you had a “We”, think about how it came about? Remember all that has led you to the union of the two hearts. And give the answer to the question: “Is it really all THERE?” Can you survive the divorce with your beloved husband? “.
3. Do you really want a divorce or threat?
The thesis “I’m applying for a divorce!” Often sounds like an aperitif before the main dinner – to resolve the conflict. That’s just such a “dish” can have bad consequences for two. The main causes of threats are:
– gain power and control the life of a partner
– pay attention to the fact that the family has a problem
If a woman often uses this threat as an argument before her husband, then she will simply cease to be perceived. In the end, this will lead to the fact that any words from your mouth will cease to be valid for a man.
4. Is this a sincere desire, or an impulse of anger?
Being ready to get divorced means to have very strong arguments that do not appear from the air. Divorce makes it possible to “let go, forgive and forget.” People who get divorced in a fit of anger continue to be angry with their former partner and after the divorce. Not a day or six months.
This means that they still have mutual feelings, seasoned with a peppery negative. It was in this situation that one of our readers was one day. They were unable to disperse peacefully with her husband and for many years, resentment against each other remained in their hearts.
Now, of course, she realizes that she was not entirely right:
5. Why do you want a divorce?
If there is something else besides your own divorce, it means that you are not ready. For example, it may be the hope that the husband will change for the better, he will not know how to survive the parting and will try to return when he realizes what treasure he lost.
This is mistake. Divorce is not a tool of manipulation. It should be a formal thing, which is needed so that two people who are not in a place next to each other do not suffer.
6. Is the conflict within?
Everyone who goes through a divorce has a certain internal conflict in his subconscious.
You can feel guilty. Deception. Insults.
And divorce seems like a magic wand that will get rid of this and give freedom.
But the conflict will not go anywhere. With it you need to figure out at the stage “Before”, not “After”.
7. And how to cope with the consequences?
Divorce can lead to frustration in yourself and in life, the loss of the dream of a “happy family”, loneliness, in the end. Are you ready for this? Are you sure you can survive this without losing yourself in an ocean of emotions and sorrow? Do you know how to survive a divorce from your husband? Do you have a “call a friend” – support of friends or relatives who will understand and help you by your intonation?
You are not ready for divorce, if:
– Do not want to change your life and have problems with money
– Are not ready to answer children’s questions “Mom, and when will dad come?”
– You are afraid of not being able to survive the separation
– You can not let go of your man.
8. Can you keep your whole life in fragile hands?
The divorce has a consequence – you will no longer be married.
This means that you will have to do everything yourself in life. For starters, at first time it will be necessary to fill out and pay for the receipts of the housing and communal services, take the children to school or kindergarten, walk the dog, buy food, make a living.
All this has to be done by herself. Well, the maximum with a small fraction of Mom’s help. Yes, you will fall a ton of unexpected problems, which could be forgotten during the years of life together.
I made up my mind. What’s next?
If you are ready and confident that you can easily experience a divorce from your husband, act!
Here it is desirable to respect your ex-man and immediately agree on all the nuances. Answer, how will you do?
Will you defend only yourself or will you respect your husband?
It should be good only for you, or for the husband too?
Take it all yourself, or share it on your conscience?
Continuously you will go to court as a job, or decide everything in a few hours?
As a result, I would like to tell you the following:
1. To make a decision to file for divorce or solve problems in the family by the world is only your decision.
2. If you feel that internal confusion does not allow you to take the right step, then seek help from a specialist, not a neighbor who has been divorced three times. Believe me, it will not bring relief, but will only add problems.
3. If you already answered 8 questions and said a solid “YES” – do not hesitate. The choice is made. Do not delay execution of the decision. So it will only get worse for you.
4. Understand that after a divorce, there is life. Do not believe that “divorce” is not needed by anyone. It’s not invented by women who understand themselves, but not for you.
The time will come to open the door for a new relationship with a worthy man!
Thank you for your patience and confidence! I hope this will help to understand how to survive a divorce from your husband, if this is really inevitable! I’m happy to answer questions that concern you in the comments.