What is the secret of building a good sustainable home? The secret in the right beginning is the foundation.
A house without a foundation will fall through a couple of rains.
The erected walls have nothing to stand on, they will crack’s and collapse.
As builders of relationships, we also need to be aware of the importance of starting a relationship.
At a time you do not need to fill a foundation, you have to decide for yourself what kind of relationship you will build.
What is the foundation, that is, the basis of friendship and love?
What helps, and what destroys these relationships?
Let’s try to figure it out.
How to start a friendship?
Questions of friendship worried humanity for several millennia. Even in the oldest book of the Bible (the Greek “The Book”), it speaks of the principles of friendship:
“Who wants to have friends, he himself must be friendly; And there is a friend more attached than a brother ”
“A friend loves at all times and as a brother will appear in times of adversity”
“… so sweet is every friend with his heart’s counsel”
Despite the venerable age of the Book, the problems of friendship are also relevant, as they were many years ago and their decision has not changed either. To be friendly, to love and not to leave a friend “at all times” ie, not only on good days but also in difficult times. Help each other with advice and deed. All these are simple and understandable to banality advice, but at the heart of their main thing is the lack of their “I”. This is the foundation in the relationship – do not leave a place for selfishness.
What is this in practice? When a friend is experiencing difficulties, we are looking for opportunities to help, and not looking for the reasons for not being able to do it. Often it can be to the detriment of oneself (loss of time, finances, relationships with other people and much more).
Why should we do this? Because we are united with a friend: the past, common interests, hobbies, difficulties, joys and much more, and not even from this list, even quite different, because the reasons that unite people do not list them much. The main thing is that a friend should not be persuaded to help, he will do it with joy, because in friendship there is no place for the “ego”, your “I”!
Friendship is not one-sided. You can not expect that a friend will act with you according to the “rules” of friendship, and you will enjoy this process without giving anything in return. Friendship implies reciprocity, otherwise, it is the use of man, but such relationships, of course, are doomed – this is not friendship.
At the same time, friendship is not a “bash to bash” relationship, “you – me to you”. Such simplified schemes are full between just familiar and unfamiliar people – “I paid, you drove”, “service for service”. The fact of the matter is that you do not need to return in friendship, and you do not expect this, but you do something for friendship!
So everything is simple and at the same time difficult because our “I” is stronger than friendship and if you notice, real friends are few but do not despair, they are close!
Friendship between a guy and a girl
Such a headline is very popular now, but let’s be frank, honest, objective. Between a guy and a girl, a man and a woman, relationships are called differently: liking, falling in love, love is yes, it certainly has a place to be, it is, and it’s wonderful!
In such relations, elements of friendship can and should be present, but this is not the friendship itself. This is another and requires a separate consideration.
The friendship between a guy and a girl can not last long. A close friendship will slowly transform into romantic feelings, fascination. And then friends either succumb to these feelings or increase the distance in the relationship. What a true friendship, too, you will not name.
The relationship between a guy and a girl, a man and a woman:
We like each other! We are created in such a way that we are looking for and want relationships with the opposite sex (here we will not touch on the topic of mental illness).
It’s fine! How to build and maintain these relationships? How not to destroy? How from sympathy, love to create love?
In the beginning, we like each other
By what criteria, qualities internal and external, we evaluate each other is sometimes a mystery to ourselves. Prominent psychologists say that in us there are standards at the level of the subconscious, laid down from childhood. Moms, dads, sisters, brothers and other people influenced us and this very standard was formed. Maybe, but this is not the essence of our conversation, but the essence is what qualities it is important to pay attention to. Qualities that will prove important for constructing deep, joyful and happy relationships.
Although often this is the first thing we pay attention to, But the leader in this list will not be a beauty. Why? Because we are changing! Look at your photos at intervals of several years.
Well, how ?! Notice the difference?
It can not be said that changes are always for the worse, sometimes very much the reverse. But changes are inevitable – we need to remember this to be ready and not to be afraid of change because it’s normal!
What are we looking for? We are looking for a person with whom we are comfortable psychologically. His character, temperament, upbringing, interests make your relationships comfortable. Pay attention to this, otherwise, there will be complications.
You are comfortable with each other
Then you communicate, which means that there is an opportunity to get to know each other deeper. How he (she) communicates with other people, with relatives. What is his (her) reaction to different situations? Is there any irritation or anger (not even in relation to you, because we remember – at the moment you are sympathetic (!) Or in love)? Is there discretion and restraint? Is there rudeness, laziness, diligence, complaisance and other …
In general, the list can be continued for a long time, but why do we look, look closely? All this is sure to happen again in your family, so if some qualities, habits are shown with persistence to someone, then it will definitely manifest itself to you! And you really think whether you like it or not.
Answer yourself to this question as soon as possible. Then the wounds from the ruptured relations will be minimal and the scars are not deep, and maybe they do not even have to be.
Often, and maybe always, lovers have a temptation to appear better than they are, so to speak “dissolve feathers” (seen as birds all sorts of different peacocks, pigeons are courting!) – this is normal, but for your view to be “soberly appraising”, Look at his (her) relationship with others, because this is what you are waiting for in your relationship.
Confidence in feelings
So, you like everything in it (in it). And so, you all soberly appreciated, threw back emotions, remembered all the cases, well-weighed words and deeds, though not so heatedly, and already, armed with knowledge of the consequences (because we read articles, we think, we search), we say to ourselves – ” Yes, it’s HE (IT)! ”
And then “wise” life experience advisers offer to move to intimate relationships. Well, how ?! We must try – are we physically fit together? You know, you could laugh here, if it were so sad because people make mistakes and, worse, offer them to others.
This article is not about morality, but about what will make our relationship happy, durable and long. After all, do we spend time reading articles and seek answers to questions? Therefore, examining the experience of others, your personal experience, we find the following answers.
We are all physically fit together! Like this?! We are all so different: tall and not very thin and not quite? We approach. Calm down. We are created so that everything will be like. If your prospective future partner in life does not agree with this, then he:
Not aware of the consequences of premature (extramarital) relationships.
He simply wants to use you (“… then you do not love me!”, “… then we will not meet again!”, Etc.).
In the first case, you have the opportunity to get to know a person deeper by trying to explain your life views on this issue, to look and evaluate the subsequent reaction, and in the second – you really are better off interrupting the relationship.
Let’s take a closer look at this issue. In one line we write the possible advantages of extramarital relations, in the other – real minuses. So:
– Possible (I stress this word – possible, but not necessarily so!) Physical satisfaction. ALL. The line has ended.
– Relationships will necessarily change, but in what direction? There may be disgust and resentment. There may be a psychological breakdown in its insolvency.
– Unplanned pregnancy, not the safety of your future child.
– You will never have the same relationship (the last “secret” is open).
– a lot of venereal diseases – a threat to your health and the ability to have children in the future.
If your partner puts sex at the heart of things, that is, considers “bed” an important part of a happy relationship, then in the future, definitely, there will be a disappointment. Do you know how often couples have such relationships?
Differently, depending on the temperament, but it is always much less often than in the beginning. The novelty passes and everyone calms down. This is normal. It is normal for those who did not make a foundation from this. The rest will look for “novelty” on the side. Are you looking for this?
Further, “… and why get married, it’s only a stamp in your passport. We, after all, love each other? ” Words that really cover cowardice and distrust to each other. If it’s just a stamp in the passport, where does that fear come from? If he does not decide anything and does not mean?
How can you build something without trust?
It turns out, you plan to live, hypocritical with each other. There is no place for mistrust in love! And here’s another, – “We need to try to live together first. ” Yes, let’s first try to build a skyscraper, and then see if it falls apart or not … Are we talking about our life or the sandbox?
Happiness in relationships
Really happy couples are those that relate to intimacy, as a pleasant bonus of family life and do not outstrip events.
They do not hurry, get used to each other, get to know each other, learn the desires and needs of each other and build a relationship of mutual love. Because love, as opposed to falling in love, does not come by itself.
This is the work of two people who really want to be happy. Work – because you need to forgive a lot, often give in, really be a support to each other, to go through the first time lapping, enjoy each other, the existing relationship, be happy!
With all our heart we wish you, good friends and true love!
Do not forget – you are free in your choice! Do not drive yourself into the framework, some schemes, and scenarios! You do not owe anything to anyone! This is your life!
If you have any questions that you would like to discuss, let’s try to figure it out together.
If you find it difficult to manage yourself, ask questions and together we will try to find answers.