According to statistics, 8 out of 10 couples fall apart on the initiative of the weak half. Cause?
It is banal: women over the last century have become much more critical to assess the quality of marriage.
They need more from family relationships, and they are not ready to put up with male vices.
Not without reason the first three places in the hit parade of the causes of divorce are “disparity of characters”, male alcoholism and adultery. “I was patient, and you bear it” – this motto, passed from generation to generation from mother to daughter, is no longer in fashion.
It’s easier for a woman to get divorced and try to rebuild her life.
And if you believe all the same statistics, the younger the age of the divorced, the easier it is to get married again.
Women themselves understand this intuitively, which is why they are increasingly choosing a divorce as a form of clarifying family relationships.
Marriage has ceased to be a fortress.
He became a sports match with several approaches to the “projectile.” The first attempt was unsuccessful – nothing, there is at least one more …
Yes, any or almost any woman who survives a divorce, regardless of his reasons, wants to believe that he can again become happy in his personal life. “But somehow it’s not for everyone,” you say. It’s true, to become a real “phoenix” is not easy.
Too often, women arrange mental traps, which they themselves come across.
Trap # 1: “No one will be as good as my ex”
There are no perfect people. Your beautiful husband left you for another – is not that sufficient proof of his imperfection?
You could not find a common language with him, and you broke up – is not this evidence that it does not suit you? What is good in an intellectual who talks a lot and beautifully, but can not sincerely express his feelings?
What’s the use of a wonderful sexual partner, if he is so passionate about the process that he does not even notice in whose bed the miracles work?
Or have you already forgotten that in addition to his “ideal” qualities were he and those because of which you broke up?
The idealization of the former husband is a typical trap of a divorced woman, if the divorce did not occur on her initiative or she was “guilty” in breaking the relationship.
The bad is leveled, and memory is obligingly prompted only by pleasant memories of a happy family life.
It reminds us of the moaning of immigrants in their remote homeland, from which they fled in search of a better life. Listen to them, so there is no better place in the world than Motherland.
But they invited them to go there on an excursion, and after a day’s stay there they will remember why they actually became immigrants.
What do you do? If you have a tendency to idealize the former – remind yourself that you were divorced not because of a couple of his wonderful qualities, but because of all the others. To move on, you need to let go of your past. Ideality is not something that you should strive for in a partner. Every person is beautiful with his personality. Let your new partner be different and do not try to look like a man with whom you divorced.
Three years I can not forget my ex-husband
Three years ago I divorced my husband. He was from an eastern family. As a rule, in such families the wife after the wedding sits at home, and her husband provides. I stayed at home for more than three years, and my lifestyle changed abruptly. Being always a bright, independent and self-assured girl, I used to lead an active lifestyle (work, friends, parties), and after marriage turned into a heavy, fat, complexed and insecure woman. I want to start life with a new leaf and again find a person with whom I will be happy.
But the whole problem is that I constantly think about him, about my husband. About a man from my past. I can not forget my past at all. I was very well with him, I loved him for real, and, it seemed to me, he also loved me, but then something went wrong, and he offered to part. For me it was like a bolt from the blue. And now I do not know whether I should continue to love him (I tried to start relationships with other guys, but as it turned out, in bed he was much better than others) or do I just think that I love him? Or is there an option that we will again be together someday? ( Lena, 33 years old)
Trap # 2: “I do not want to adjust to anyone else”
Oh yeah. You are no longer a young girl, for whom the main goal in life is to get married, and everything else seems not so significant. You already understand the utopian nature of the idea of re-education of a man after the wedding.
You are aware that you need to take him for who he is, and do not expect that you can remake him as a legitimate wife. You are well aware of the end of such attempts to break a partner: quarrels, spoiled nerves, lost time and divorce. But the experience of a failed marriage taught you not only this.
You yourself grew up, decided on your preferences and are not particularly sure that you can tolerate next to you another adult with his own “cockroaches”.
And to cave in under it – is not it too great honor, considering the fact that the husband – the magnitude is not constant? “For every one to adjust – to lose yourself,” – you think, and deprive yourself of a chance for a new serious relationship.
If two adults feel the desire to be together, they have to learn the art of coexistence.
What to do? Understand that the life of a couple is built on compromises. You can not ask another to compromise his principles and habits, if he is not ready to yield in his.
If two adults feel the desire to be together, they have to learn the art of coexistence. Trite, but true: marriage is a work, daily and hard. In his youth, few people understand that in a loving family one should not work to force a partner to change one’s habits, but rather to learn how to accept it as it is.
When the desire for understanding and acceptance is mutual, a pair of synergy arises. If this is not – a man and a woman become antagonists, which inevitably leads to a rupture.
A strong woman is doomed to loneliness?
I’m 26 years old, it would seem, all is well: work, machine, complete independence, everything works out. But with a personal life … emptiness. Yes, there was love, was married (more than three years ago), lived a year, separated, after I lost the child (it turned out that I no longer needed it). After the divorce I worked hard, I was worried for a long time and could not accept the loss of the baby, I began to feel sorry, to love and tried to prove to myself that I can do everything. As a result, she received complete freedom and independence, a strong tempered character. Today I have everything that I once wanted to achieve, but the problem is that on my way there are weak men who want to solve their problems at the expense of me, or just a relationship without obligations. I do not know what to do? I met a man who is quite decent, but he is not ready to accept me, because, as he said, I’m already living very well, I do not need a man, because I can do everything myself, that I’m used to living for myself and I can hardly create a family, In which there are so many problems and worries. There were thoughts of going to a psychologist, after all, I did this myself when I experienced my misfortunes, when I realized that the world is cruel and unjust, and now I want to understand whether it’s worth changing yourself, or, perhaps, meeting someone who will love me like that? However, it is not very hard to believe that there are still men who need strong, intelligent and independent women. But you want to be weak in the arms of a real man, who will take at least part of my worries. I’m so tired of doing everything myself. ( Sophie, 29 years old)
Trap # 3: “Why should I marry?” I’m fine with you already “
Do you genuinely think that you do not want any more formal relations, because “there” you already were and know that there is nothing interesting in them?
But, most likely, it’s not for you “comfortably and without another stamp”, and your inner “I” is scared to hear once again “We need to get a divorce.” And you instinctively defend yourself against the possible consequences of marriage: what is not, can not be destroyed.
However, your partner may have a different opinion on this matter. Especially in the event that for him, unlike you, this is the first serious relationship and he even does not think that it might not be forever. Yes, imagine, not only girls want to at least once in their life to play a wedding. You refuse your beloved person in this on the basis of only that you are comfortable with him?
Then try to put yourself in his place and hear from a loved one whom you would like to marry, the words: “I do not want to marry you, I will get away.” Nicely? There is no feeling that you are perceived as something temporary, some kind of reserve or transshipment point, until there are no better options?
How long would you stay with a man who stubbornly does not want to marry you if he had a need for a family and common children? What would feel, after receiving another refusal to ask about the wedding?
Sometimes a divorced woman finds it difficult to decide on remarriage for fear that it will complicate the new relationship, and maybe even become the first step to divorce. In fact, according to statistics, second marriages are often much tougher and calmer than the former, because people make “a second attempt” already in adulthood, having experience of family relations behind them and drawing certain conclusions. Those who decide to remarry are morally ready for compromise and know well what awaits them “beyond the registry office”.
So if you love this man and believe that he is right for you – do not complicate your relationship, unfairly rejecting his sincere proposal to create a family with you.
How to save everything as is?
I was married for 8 years. While studying at university, we lived with my parents. My husband worked. After graduation, I found a good job, and we moved out of the parents. After some time, the husband began to behave like an undercover feudal lord: he did absolutely nothing at home (except that the products were dragged from the market). At the same time, I was charged with working full time, pulling my house completely, fulfilling all his male whims.
And, worst of all, all of his emotional negativity and irritation constantly merged with me, regardless of whether it was somehow connected with me or with his work, machine, friends, etc. In all his failures or bad mood I was guilty. With great difficulty I divorced him.
He really did not want this. A year and a half met with a man. Began to date. For a long time (eight months) we did not have an intima. And when that happened, he offered to marry him. But the very idea that I can again become a servant in the house, a “waste pit” for negative emotions, terrifies me. We have been together for three years, but we live under one roof.
I feel comfortable and good to live separately and meet with him several times a week. For us every meeting is a celebration of the soul and body. We share joys and sorrows for two. He really wants to turn our union into a family, and the very idea of joint everyday life puts me into despair. But how to preserve everything as is, without prejudice to both? ( Marina, 32 years old)
Trap # 4: “Love does not exist. It is necessary to be content with what is “
Having experienced the bitterness of divorce, you stop hoping that one day you will meet a man who will prove to you the fallacy of your conclusions.
After the divorce, you are like a child who has discovered a terrible truth: Santa Claus does not exist. He does not receive letters from children and does not fulfill their New Year wishes. He does not give presents. And gifts are not always exactly the ones that they hoped for. Youthful faith in love is like a child’s faith in Santa Claus. And just as painfully disappointed that, according to the plan, it would have to last forever.
And here you say to yourself: there is no love, there is only a sexual attraction, mutual respect, affection, habit and many other things that help men and women tolerate each other’s presence for quite a long time.
Therefore, having experienced the bitterness of divorce, having understood the true price of an oath in eternal love, you cease to hope that one day you will meet a man who will prove to you the fallacy of your conclusions. Now you do not believe that you can fall in love and become for someone you love. And you do not catch the crane anymore, agreeing to the first slightly more or less respectable looking tit.
21 year with the unloved husband
What if my husband loves me and I do not? My husband and I have already lived 21 years. True, the marriage was registered twice, i.е. Once we were already divorced. Probably, originally married not for love, but because of pregnancy. But then my husband became jealous, once he raised his hand to me. Immediately filed for divorce. We divorced immediately, but we parted 5 years later. She left for my mother, but she survived three months. It seemed that I was so lonely that I did not need anyone. I called my husband, he returned, a daughter was born, the difference between children is 13 years old. The marriage was registered again. 8 years have passed. Every day is a meal. He irritates me all. He does not eat like that, he does not talk like that with a child. All the surrounding people say that we are very different people, and it is unclear how we are together.
He is very rude. During this time I have made a career, I work as a chief accountant, I communicate with many, but even at general parties everyone looks at me with pitying eyes. I tried to think up a fairy tale for him that I was very sick that as a woman I was not interested in men, I did not want any close relationships, but he agreed to everything, even that he would sleep with me once a month. I scream, he calms.
But patience is no more. I’m afraid of a divorce, because they said that by law everyone will be divided in half. But the main income is mine. Apartments bought for children, garage, car, etc. If they give him half, what will the children have? How to be? What to do? Tried to find on the side, but it’s so exhausting. Fear that they will find out. If I were free, and so … In general, the impasse. Tell me what to do? ( Marina, 45 years old)
What are your opinions and how you think that we can improve our own lives by doing more or less for relationships? lets discuss in comments form below.