Divorce, however suffering from a divorce circle, often leaves behind an empty space, which is very important to fill with something lovely.
It does not matter what type of relationship you had with your ex-husband, but he was inscribed in your life, was part of it, perhaps – furniture, but the habit is that the lady is cruel.
There was no bedside table – and you had to come up with something urgently to restore the habitual life automatism, the violation of which caused internal discomfort.
So with her husband.
It seems to be completely unnecessary object, and left, and it turned out that it is not enough. More precisely, not just him, but all that he had become accustomed to for all the years of his marriage.
If, of course, there was anything good in it.
And here at this stage the main thing is not to fall into the typical mistake of a divorced woman: do not start looking for “the same but with mother-of-pearl buttons” of her husband. “The same” you absolutely do not need.
You already threw out the nightstand, so why do you need another?
Buy a hook …
Your new life should begin with work on the typical mistakes of divorced women.
Mistake # 1 “Now I can not trust men”
Well, of course, we already know that all men are theirs … “How can they be trusted, because they constantly change us, lie, cunning!” – you think …
Remember what we said at the very beginning of the article? You can not call all men lascivious only on the grounds that you are standing in the middle of a brothel. Want to meet someone you could trust – choose other places for dating.
If a woman time after time falls on quiet alcoholics, or on ladies, or at home sadists, then she needs to change something in herself.
Surprisingly, it is a fact how many divorced women, trying to build new relationships, persistently choose the same type of man to whom the former husband belongs to as potential partners. In the common people this is called “stepping on the same rake.” But if you yourself are so stubbornly like men of a certain type, then where is “all”?
How to be? Work on yourself. If a woman time after time falls on quiet alcoholics, or on ladies, or at home sadists, then she needs something to change in yourself, agree. And at the same time – to change the circle of communication, in which there are so many such male copies. Figuratively speaking, in order to find a normal man, you need to be sure that you need “normal”, and … get out of the brothel, finally …
Do all men change?
I with my husband now 9 years together, 4 years in marriage, a daughter aged 2 years. Our relations were built on trust and mutual understanding. His work is connected with traveling to another city. One time he traveled with his friend. We are crossing this comrade on the playground (he is a loving husband and a caring father). Once he asked me how I let my husband stay so long (leaves for 4-5 days, a week at home)? Like, under this regime there can not be a strong family. I answered that I have no reason not to trust my husband, and during our time of separation we are bored and spend all our free time together, I know this work and sometimes I go with him at his own request (I want to spend more time together).
But this friend says: that a man does not look to the side, the wife should be near, that in our time from infidelity a man can restrain only religion, love (at an early stage) and simply the absence of such an opportunity. But if such an opportunity comes up, a rare man will be able to resist, especially if the family is far away. I asked him if he judged on his own.
He said that he judged by others and that in this environment there are no men who at least would not have changed his wife (by this he simply shocked me for obvious reasons). He said that his friendly advice to stick together, it will help us to become closer to each other and save from worldly temptations. A grain of doubt arose in my head. Maybe we really need to change our way of life? And again: are all men as weak as he says, “by nature”? ( Sophie, 30 years old)
Detailed discussion of the letter under the heading “Two opinions”
Mistake # 2 “I’m doomed to be lonely”
Why does a divorced woman consider herself lonely? Who decided that “lonely” is synonymous with “divorced” (or “unmarried”)? Let’s try not to confuse God’s gift and what we roast ourselves in the morning. The feeling of loneliness comes to those who have nothing to fill their own spiritual emptiness.
It does not depend on the presence or absence of a husband, lover, cohabitant. You can be married for many years, have two children and feel completely alone, you can be lonely in the crowd. And you can live on an uninhabited island and feel part of a large universe.
Loneliness is a state of the soul that arises in the absence of emotional connections with the surrounding world. Do you think that the world itself must seek contact with you to rid you of inner emptiness? Is not there much honor?
Ask yourself a question and try to answer it correctly: “Who needs you?”
The correct answer is: “To yourself”.
You’re at home alone. Go to the mirror and see: who do you see there? Look carefully: that woman who looks at you with the same intensity, needs your care and love. Ask yourself: how can you help her? What would you advise her? How would you start a new life? Ask her: what would she want? What were her plans for marriage? Did you manage to implement them? If not, why and what prevents it from doing now?
Did you dream of learning a language? Learn to dance salsa? Workout? Start a dog? Now is the time for radical changes in your life.
And this is the fastest and most effective way to fill the vacuum that inevitably arises after a divorce. And by the way, this is the fastest way to find new friends who will be interested in the same things as you.
Is it foolish to dream of love at this age?
10 years in divorce, there is a child. Then there was a crazy love for a married man. For many years she was a mistress. Everything suited. Several years ago I realized that I wanted a family and another child. But I want to not just “marry”, but I dream about love, to meet a clever and held man. But nothing happens, although there is no shortage of fans. Either men are just for sex, but I do not see any future with them, or with serious intentions, but I understand that I can not fall in love.
There was a wild fear that nothing will turn out and I will never have a family. Years go by, it will be too late. Cute, not stupid, with good education and work, without material and other problems. A wide range of interests and occupations, there is no time to be bored. But lately these thoughts are just haunting. Although on the forehead “I want to get married” does not shine, friends consider me easy and carefree.
What is it?
The habit of living alone and the fear of a serious relationship? Overestimated requirements for men and the need to reduce the bar? Maybe it’s silly to dream of love at this age, but you just need to find a suitable candidate? How to cope with fear and stop obsessing about it?
After all, I am a very cheerful person and I can not say that I am alone.
I myself can solve my problems and I am not afraid of anything. Just the desire to find a loved one with whom you could share the joy of life became an obsession. ( Johna, 37 years old)
Discussion of this issue in the “Two Opinions”
Mistake # 3 “I do not need anyone, I will dedicate myself to children”
The fact that the mother wants to take care of her children is normal. But only until the time when concern becomes the character of the “idea fix”. A divorced woman, disappointed in marriage, sometimes does not know the measures. She is engaged in children selflessly. In a literal sense: forgetting about your own personality and personal life. You ask, what’s the problem here? At the first stage – in nothing.
Problems will begin when children grow up. Imagine a mother for whom children become the only meaning of life? They grow up, grow up, at some point they already want to get freedom from maternal care and supervision, and what should she do?
In order not to fall into the trap after years, do not make this mistake now. Children are part of your life, but not meaning.
A truly serious conflict arises when children express a desire to secede from their mother, begin to live an independent life, and outside the mother’s field of vision. When you are 30-40 years old, you are young and your children are still small – to arrange a personal life, finding a job for yourself is not very difficult. But the code for you for 50 and all previous decades spent exclusively on children, will it be easy to accept the fact that children in your care and leadership no longer need?
Well if they quickly get their own children, live in the same city and entertain you, using as a nanny. And if not? And if your children were so stuffy from your sacrificial love that now they are trying to contact you less often with you in principle?
In order not to fall into the trap after years, do not make this mistake now. Children are part of your life, that’s part of it, but not the meaning. Do not make them be obligated to you until the end of their days and feel guilty for allegedly because of them you have not arranged your own life.
Leaving your children for the sake of someone else’s?
About 15 years ago I really liked a man who did not notice me then. Then I alone raised two nine-year-old tombstones, on a removable shelter, working late. The man married a woman without children, they have a daughter. He is kind, caring, attractive. They got a friendly family, a daughter – an excellent student in a prestigious gymnasium and a music school. You could be happy for people.
Two years ago, I lost sight of him. She earned a living on an apartment, she made a career. Almost all is well. Sons just grew like street kids. They abandoned their studies, no profession, they work through a stump-deck. For me it’s like a knife in my heart: it’s not like drunkards, not stupid, they do not seem to expect me to solve problems for them, but nothing good came out of them. And now I meet that man, which I liked very much. It turned out that his wife died of cancer. There was a daughter (15 years) and an old mother.
We started a novel, meet, flowers, gifts, calls several times a day, “to hear the voice.” He calls to live for himself, and leave my apartment to boys, they say, adults, let them learn to live independently, the good is where. Now I’m in doubt.
It’s like I’ll go to someone else’s family, weave braids to a strange girl who has more than my children’s parental love, and leave her again. They will not even turn to a difficult hour for help, as if they were not paying attention. Orphanage in them is some kind of profound.
Grown up, but not ripe. Should I make a choice: get married or be closer to mine? ( Magrita, 55 years old)
Read responses on this letter in the section “Two opinions”
Mistake # 4 “My life has lost its meaning”
Every intelligent being should have a life’s work. Not a goal, but a matter, which in itself implies a more or less constant process, something that you can selflessly engage in for many years.
In men, as a rule, the cause of life is beyond the family, somewhere in the field of interests, hobbies or business (as well as bad habits). But for many women a priority such a thing of life is the family. Why? Yes, because it is so beneficial to society. Everything would be fine, but sometimes families break up …
“For the sake of what now to live?” – the standard issue of a divorced woman. That is, it turns out that the main business of her life was serving a man. Specifically, in each it is expressed in different ways. Some literally begin to “serve” – becoming housewives, housekeepers in their own home. Others sticks on two jobs, providing a husband-loser, husband pamper-ness.
Still others are nursing with an alcoholic husband or a drug addict husband. For all the dissimilarity of their lives in the main they are similar: deprive their husbands, and they will experience the same feeling of irreparable loss of the meaning of life. In special clinical cases this can lead to suicide, even in the presence of young children. In the simpler case, children, if any, become divorced. Than it threatens – we have already discussed above.
What to do if after a divorce do you feel like life has lost its meaning? Find your own business. What would have returned meaning to you, would make your life more interesting. The main thing is that your business brings you positive emotions, rather than destroying. This means, for example, that it is not necessary to choose revenge of life for a former husband or all men in his person. For a start, it can become a personal transformation from a nasty chick into a beautiful bird.
At the broken trough …
I’m married 14 years, have a daughter, her 13. With time, my husband began to move away. He says that it’s not interesting with me. I myself am to blame, ceased to support the interests of her husband. He is fond of music, snowboarding, paragliding. He studies Buddhism, he was in Tibet.
And I’m not an extreme. I do not work, I lead a house and a daughter. And there was Ta, who sings with him and sings, and jumps with a parachute … everywhere with him. He says that they are friends, he loves only me, but he does not let me into his company. He became indifferent to me: somehow I got sick, he went to friends, and he says to me: “Why should two suffer, you should rejoice that your beloved is good.” Help from him you will not wait.
And I, like a fool, love him only, and my daughter loves him. It happens, of course, when we have a good time together, not everything is bad. Three years ago I met a wonderful person who was madly in love with me, cared for and helped me. I do not like him, but I’m comfortable with him. I broke up with my husband, knowing that with this person I will be like a stone wall. My husband told me everything, he answered: “Live, there are no people without shortcomings. I love you, if I do not, I’ll be back. ” But so quickly gathered and left. I think he was delighted. I now live with a new man and with my daughter.
She has a very difficult period, she is rude, and I’m sorry. The husband sees with that woman and, probably, is happy. And I kind of made a choice on the calculation and stayed at the broken trough. I hesitate to talk with my husband: I’m afraid that he will not return, I do not know if I need such a husband, although I love him … (Maria, 45 years old)
All answers to this letter read in the “Two Opinions”
Mistake # 5 “I will prove to everyone that I am in demand as a woman!”
Another extreme, in which young divorced women tend to rush is the collection of evidence that they will certainly not be left alone. It would seem that there is nothing wrong here: non-binding flirtation, new acquaintances, communication with the opposite sex – all this should raise the self-esteem of a divorced lady. But no.
The game “I like everyone” is dangerous because the woman is addicted to the process, forgetting about the quality of the contacts being created.
The game “I like everyone” is dangerous because the woman is addicted to the process, forgetting about the quality of the contacts being created. Some ladies literally “carry”: they start flirting with colleagues at work and even flirting with the husbands of married friends (and then they are genuinely puzzled why they are no longer invited to visit couples).
In this instinctive pursuit of collecting evidence, a divorced woman misses the point: she does not build new deep relationships. Instead, she constantly initiates superficial communication with various men, convincing herself that any of them would be willing to continue with her closer acquaintance, she should want.
Alas, most men with whom she flirts, have no serious intentions towards her and will never have. And the woman herself, none of them as a permanent partner is not needed. It is a game for self-affirmation, a cheap and not very productive way to raise self-esteem.
What’s the use of convincing yourself that you “like everyone” if none of these “all” you do not need?
Such behavior in its extreme manifestation gives rise to a series of unnecessary intrigues, sexual contacts without obligations. And besides, playing in this game, there is a risk to miss the really worthy development of relations.
One can not be!
I recently divorced my husband. The gap was heavy, he left! But it so happened that a month after the divorce, I met a man, he is older than 10 years (let him be called Stash)! He saved me, pulled me out of depression, made me realize that I’m beautiful!
With him I learned and in sex new facets. But he immediately warned that our relationship is temporary, that he will never be my husband! And he went on a business trip for three months! And I met another, the same age! I’ve been with him for a whole month already.
From Stash I hide it, he thinks that I’m waiting for him. And I … And I can not decide with whom to stay. I feel like a complete fool!
How can I understand what I want? Or a young woman with whom you can try to build a family, or an adult who will never become a husband? Or does it just happen that I do not need anyone? And I can not even be alone, I depress one evening alone! Is there a reason in myself? How to help yourself? ( Lena, 26 years old).
So what you think? comment please.